Adventures on the Savvy Cruise Line
by legomylegolas
Summary: Killer recipe. Four cups of "Harry Potter". Two heaping scoops of "The Princess Bride". Add a pinch of "Pirates of the Caribbean" and a whole lot of chocolate. Blend thoroughly. Season with other movie characters to taste. Serve. Enjoy. Review.
1. 1

"Oy! Harry! Where is it that we are going again?" Ron asked as he threw a broken tennis racket, stapler, and empty bottle of aspirin into his bag. He had just stumbled upon a box filled with Muggle things of Hermione's mother's that she was going to throw out and had insisted that she let him keep it all. His dad's birthday was coming up and he knew that there was nothing his father would enjoy more.

"I told you already. I just discovered that my dad's grandparents are still living. We're going to go visit them. My great-grandparents I mean." Harry was studying a map of Florin intently, trying to figure out how the Cliffs of Insanity got their name. Ron peeked over Harry's shoulder and Harry pointed to the small hut labeled "Miracle Max's".

"That miracle whosiwhatsit bloke is your dad's grandad?"

"Yeah... Miracle Max. The villagers think he is a bit dodgy but that is because they don't know he's a wizard. He's pretty old now and has been retired for a few years.'"

"How did you convince the Dursleys to let you go Harry? I thought they'd hate the idea of you going to spend time with your father's family." Hermione had just entered her room.

"Aunt Petunia about flipped a lid. It was Uncle Vernon who let me go. In fact, he had to nearly beg Petunia to allow it." Harry shook his head at the sight of his friend's shocked looks. "He's no Saint so don't go thinking that. Aunt Marge was coming to visit and I don't think he'd want me blowing her up again."

Ron pondered on that for a moment and then dumped more junk into his bag. Hermione watched with a single eyebrow raised.

"Your dad is not going to want a fly swatter or that old bike chain, I promise you." Ron wasn't listening. He was busy pushing buttons on a broken food processor. Harry and Ron and stopped by to get Hermione at her house and then the three of them were going on a summer holiday. Hermione had just finished her own packing and was impatiently watching Ron try to close his bag.

"Honestly Ron, I don't know why you didn't have your mum perform the expansion charm on your bag before you left so it could hold more," she said in an exasperated voice.

"Didn't know I'd be hitting the jackpot, did I?" he argued. She watched him struggle a little bit longer and then pushed him aside and begin removing his things and packing them as neatly as she could. Harry was now eyeing the Zoo of Death with great curiosity.

"Why on earth did you bring your figurines of the Chudley Cannons, Ron? You won't need those in Florin," Hermione informed him, reaching her hand in his bag to retrieve them. She yelped in pain when one of the players smacked her hand with his broomstick. Ron sniggered.

"I'm just trying to increase their fan base Hermione. People in... wherever it is we're going have likely never heard of Quidditch." Hermione motioned for Ron to come and sit on his bag while she tried to close the zipper. Harry watched, mildly amused, and went back to the map. He wondered how the Cliffs of Insanity received their name. A cold voice, however, brought him instantly out of his thoughts.

"Lets get this freak show on the road so I can go back to being nasty," the voice said. Ron and Hermione whirled around to see Draco Malfoy standing with his usual bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, both of which looked extremely puzzled as if they weren't sure where they were or how they had gotten there.

"What the bludger are they doing here?" an outraged Ron questioned Harry, who didn't look surprised to see the threatening threesome. He didn't looked pleased, but he didn't look surprised either.

"The author made me invite them. She said it would be worthwhile and that it would add to the humor appeal."

"You think we'd want to come on this stinking trip? My father tried fighting with the writer for hours but she wouldn't give in," Draco said bitterly.

"Are you bloody mad?" Ron cried at Harry, ignoring Malfoy. Hermione looked like she might be sick.

Harry looked at his friend sadly. "Ron, it wasn't me. It was the author. I'm not in charge of this story."

"What.... how... who does... WHERE IS SHE?" Ron roared, looking around. He dropped to his hands and knees and began crawling around the room in a frenzy, looking in every corner.

"Ron, she isn't under the bed. She isn't in my bag. Hey! Stay out of my drawers Ronald!" Hermione demanded. "I suppose that we are all in her mind since she is writing this right now. I suppose if you simply talk aloud, she'll hear you."

"Right. Well... LISTEN UP YOU STUPID WRITER! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU THINK YOU GET OFF... YOU'D BLOODY WELL BETTER LISTEN UP! YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY DODGY SENSE OF HUMOR IF YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, YOU TWISTED AUTHOR! AND YOU'D BETTER CHANGE THIS STORY RIGHT NOW OR I'LL... OR I'LL... or I'll....umm... wait a second...."

Draco and his cronies had burst into laughter. Harry and Hermione both had mixed expressions of amusement and horror on their faces. Ron was wearing a very ugly pink dress, a florescent orange hat, and bright green high heels.

"Okay!! Okay!! I'm sorry... I was wrong," Ron begged in a panicky voice, trying to hide himself behind a cabinet door. "It's your story... do what you want with it!"

"And...?" Hermione prodded Ron.

"And I th-th-think you're very lovely and a great writer and... ummm... and I'll set you up with my brother Charlie... or Oliver Wood... or both!" Ron was suddenly back in his normal clothes and he had a handful of chocolate frogs. "Oooo, thanks!" he cried, ripping open one of the wrappers with his teeth, tossing one to both Harry and Hermione.

Malfoy's eyes widened at the sight of Ron's treat, as did Crabbe's and Goyle's. Malfoy began yelling as well. "Hey! Well I think you're great too and I'll get you a date with... erm... me!" Malfoy's face was suddenly covered in rancid Tapioca pudding. Once Harry, Ron, and Hermione had had their extensive side-clutching laugh fest, Harry spoke up.

"We'd better be going then. I told them that we'd be there in time for supper."

Hermione looked very skeptical. "Harry, Florin is at least a two day trip from here!"

Ron snorted, spewing chocolate frog all over the front of his shirt. Hermione cringed. "Hermione, have you not been paying any attention? Malfoy's got a face full of goop and I've been blessed with loads of chocolate frogs. And you don't think we can make it Florin by nightfall?"

"Yes but it just wouldn't make any sense. The author surely must know that. It isn't logical that we could travel..."

Ron interrupted. "I don't care and neither does she. She is in charge, not logic. And I for one am perfectly happy with that if this holiday is going to begin with Malfoy smelling like a goat. And furthermore, I think that she is the most clever and cunning, not to mention beautiful writer I've..."

"Oh Ron, stop flirting with the writer. You've got your chocolate frogs." Hermione flounced out the door, her bag in tow. Harry followed her and behind him went three very glum looking bullies. Ron cast a wink towards the ceiling and grinned when he discovered another chocolate frog had found its way into his hand. This was going to be a great week.


	2. 2

Harry looked at the tiny house in front of him apprehensively. He had to admit, he was a little nervous. The only people in his family that he had ever known despised the very air he breathed for granting him life. Harry reached a hand out and knocked softly on the old tattered door. He heard shuffling from inside and excited whispers. The door swung open to reveal two very short, very old individuals, each with an enormous grin on their face. Before he could get a good look at them, he was buried in the woman's bony shoulder. For a little old woman, she sure had a firm grasp. The old man pounded him soundly on the back. His great-grandparents commented to each other as they welcomed him.

"Ooooo! He's here, he's here!"

"I think he's got your ears Valerie! Maybe more than just the ears but that is all I can see right now."

"Oh! He's here, he's actually here! He's so BIG, Max! Did you expect him to be so big?"

"Yes, big. And look, he's brought his big friends. This calls for some chocolate and some MLTs."

"We have a great-grandson! And he's HERE!"

"You keep saying that. Now let the boy breathe and lets get inside."

His great-grandmother released her iron grip. Harry was pulled inside, as were his friends, and they all stood in the tiny front room of the old cottage. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Malfoy's disgusted face as he looked around. Harry wanted very badly to punch him. True, it was tiny, and true, the furniture was obviously as old as his great-grandfather, and true, it smelled like moldy socks and stale chocolate but Malfoy had no right to scoff.

"Harry, we're so excited to see you after all these years! You can call me Valerie. None of this great-grand stuff. I don't need reminding about how wonderful I am."

"Yes, and call me Max. I just don't like being reminded of how old I am."

Harry nodded, beaming. He loved them instantly. Valerie had frizzy white hair that seemed to go in every direction possible. Max had no hair and stood bent over a worn cane. Each had a face that looked like a dried apple and both were dressed in extremely old robes.

Hermione finally spoke up. "Thank you so much for having us."

"We're just glad you could all come. Sorry about the tight space. We'll fix that soon enough." Harry didn't know they were planning to fix the tight space issue. The tiny cabin wasn't big enough for two, let alone eight.

"Oh, let me introduce my..." Harry looked hesitantly at Malfoy, and then shrugged"...my friends. This is Ron, Hermione... um... Draco... and....erm..." he didn't know Crabbe and Goyle's first names. "And Crabbe and Goyle. I know them from school."

"Wonderful, wonderful. Enough talking Harry, I'm feeling claustrophobic. Valerie, can we please get a move on?" Max was backed up against a wall, squeezed in behind Crabbe and Goyle. Valerie nodded and began to move.

His great-Grandparents were struggling through the small crowd to reach another door on the far end of the room. Both were panting once they reached it. They were one-hundred-and-something after all and a ten foot walk like that would wind any one-hundred-and-something-year-old. Valerie fumbled with a large key ring once she reached it, trying to fit various keys into the big lock. Max, who was a few steps behind her (he was a year older meaning he was also a year's worth slower) removed a beaten looking wand from his robes.

"Bah, Valerie, let me do it." The door flew open and everyone was stunned at what they saw.

Harry gaped over the top of Hermione's head. The door opened up into what seemed to be a picture. No, it couldn't be a picture. Max had just stepped inside. Valerie beckoned for them all to follow and she also disappeared into this seemingly attached room. But not one of the new guests entered. They all stood gathered around the doorway in shock.

The door led into a room so large and so beautiful that Harry would feel safe in saying that it was the most brilliant room he had every seen. Right in front of them was a landing that had attached to it two ornate winding staircases with banisters that looked as if they were made of gold. The staircases led down to an enormous room with a towering ceiling. The floor was covered with a rich red carpet, the walls were draped with gold tapestries, and the windows were covered with gold curtains. A huge crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling and light from it danced across the room.

Beautiful music was coming from the corner of the room. Harry went up on tip-toe to see two violins, a viola, and a cello that had been bewitched to play themselves. Life-sized portraits of a very young Max and an even younger (one year to be precise)Valerie hung on the walls on the right and the left. Max's portrait was dressed in lime green robes and stood waving a clipboard enthusiastically. Harry remembered that Max had been a healer at one time. Valerie's was twirling her curly dark hair around her fingers and had her face pressed against the pane, crying "He's here! He's here!"

The real Valerie and Max shushed their portraits and shed their old tattered robes with a relieved sigh. "I hate those things," Max complained, scowling at the old material in his hands. Underneath, each wore beautiful silk plum colored robes. "Well, come in Harry and friends. The food is nearly ready." Harry took a step onto the landing and the other five followed suit. Max took out a bubble pipe and shoved it in his mouth and Valerie took their old robes and handed them to a nearby house elf.

Half-a-dozen little house elves dressed in tiny blue suits and tiny blue dresses scurried in and out of another door, bringing silver dish after silver dish into the room and placing them on the enormous table in the center of the room. Harry squinted a bit to make sure his eyes were not fooling him. On the table was the largest assortment of chocolate he had ever seen. His mouth began to water.

He tore his eyes away from the chocolate and looked at those around him. Ron and Hermione looked utterly stunned. Crabbe and Goyle had also spotted the chocolate and were eyeing it hungrily. Malfoy could do nothing to hide the amazement on his face.

"What is this place?" Harry asked in awe after a long period of gawking.

Valerie looked surprised. "Well this is our home dear! Surely you didn't think we lived in that tiny room! That was simply for the muggle benefit. They come calling from time to time trying to sell insurance or vacuums and we can't have them knowing how we really live, now can we?"

"But how does it... why do you... how come it... it looks so small from outside!" Ron finally stammered.

Max didn't even look up. He was flipping through the pages of the Daily Prophet, mildly interested. "Of course it does. I'm a wizard, boy. It's quite a simply spell once you get the hang of it.."

Valerie looked worried. "Do you not like chocolate?" she asked the group still at the top of the stairs. "I suppose I should have asked before I prepared the menu tonight. It is just that Max and I love chocolate so much and we thought that children did as well. I'll just have this taken away and we'll have something else. Maybe things have changed Max..."

Six people were now thundering down the stairs and racing towards the midnight blue armchairs stationed around the dining table. (Actually, four were thundering. Goyle had tripped on his suddenly untied shoelace and was rolling down the stairs, knocking Malfoy over on the way down, but everyone ignored them anyway.) As Hermione lowered herself in the armchair between Harry and Ron, she looked as if these people and this place was too good to be true. She couldn't help but comment.

"I noticed you have house elves." Harry and Ron tried to shush her with their eyes but as usual, they failed.

"Yes dear, we do. Very good ones at that. But if you're looking to buy one of them off us, I'm sorry but we won't sell. The little dears are like family. We gave them clothes ages ago but they wanted to stay and help out. We give them wages and they each have a bedroom in the north wing of the house."

Hermione was sold. She beamed and thanked a house elf for the mug of hot chocolate she was given. Ron was flabbergasted. "You've got wings in this place?"

Draco's eyes were narrowed and darting from gold tapestry to gold tapestry. "How do they afford a place like this?" he muttered to Crabbe, who clearly was too focused on the food in front of him to hear. However, Max heard him just fine.

"I did a favor for a man. Brought him back from mostly dead so he could go ruin Humperdink's life by stealing his girlfriend or something. He decided to retire from his career in piracy so he kept what he needed of his gold and gave us the rest. In fact Westley should be here soon."

"Yes. He's got a surprise for you and all your friends."

Draco sniffed. "Oh goody." The author didn't like his attitude so Draco developed a sudden very severe allergy to chocolate and broke out in hives. He had to sit on the far end of the table and was given only saltines, sprite, and tomato soup. Valerie told him it would make him feel better. "Some miracle man," Malfoy grumbled as he watched everyone eat. "Can't do a thing, this guy."

Harry couldn't be happier. He had heard rumors that grandparents and great-grandparents tended to spoil their grandchildren or great-grandchildren but he had no idea that a meal made entirely from chocolate was part of the deal. Apparently Vienne Rocher and her daughter Anouk had run a Chocolatarie in Florin for a time and Valerie had learned all she could from the strange woman until the west wind blew them away. There was little talking at the table, other than Draco who was still complaining. Everyone stuffed their faces with chocolate bars, chocolate mouse, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate truffles, chocolate chips, chocolate kisses, chocolate drinks, chocolate cookies, chocolate pudding, and chocolate sauce. For dessert, they were served mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches. Everyone sat back after the meal, extremely full and satisfied.

"So, tell us about your friends Harry."

Harry shrugged. "Ron and Hermione are my two best friends. They both go to Hogwarts with me. Those three over there aren't my friends at all. The author made me invite them. They are actually quite awful to me."

Valerie and Max glared at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, who all looked suddenly very uncomfortable. But before anything else could be said, the door at the top of the stairs swung open. Everyone turned around to see a couple hand in hand walking down the staircase. Every jaw dropped... but for different reasons. Ron, Harry, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle were all gawking at the woman. She was by far and large the most beautiful creature any of them had ever seen or imagined. Hair the color of autumn, skin like wintry cream, the whole package. Hermione was ogling over the man. He was tall and muscular with straight white teeth and perfect bone structure. Max's jaws had dropped because he had been picking his teeth and was so startled by the door opening that he had accidentally loosened his brand new dentures and they fell into his chocolate pudding. Valerie's jaw dropped because she didn't know Max had dentures (he was very embarrassed and self-conscious and hadn't told her) and it is pretty surprising to see your husband with no teeth. Then Valerie began wondering how long he had had those dentures and how long it would be until her teeth fell out because if he was a year older than she would loose her teeth a year after him but she didn't know when exactly he had lost his teeth and why on earth was she eating so much chocolate when her teeth were about to fall out? Valerie shot Max an "I'll deal with you later" look and pushed away her own pudding, forcing a smile.

"Welcome Westley! Buttercup! So good to see you! Come and meet our great-grandson and his friends."

Westley led Buttercup to the table and flashed his dazzling smile at the group. Hermione accidentally set her elbow down in chocolate pudding. She didn't realize it either. "Nice to meet all of you. I'm Westley and this amazing beauty is my own, my life, my love, my wife, Buttercup." He gazed at her, as did the four boys.

Buttercup gazed back at Westley. They gazed at each other while everyone else gazed at them. It went on like this for nearly a minute until Max snapped everyone out of it.

"Hey kid! SIT DOWN!" Westley and Buttercup smiled sheepishly and sat down at the table.

"I'm sorry we missed dinner.... we got a little preoccupied on our way here," Buttercup admitted.

"How long did you goggle at each other this time?" Valerie asked, amused.

"It was only about four-and-a-half hours this time. We're getting better."

"Yes, you actually made it this time. So this is Harry, our great-grandson." Harry smiled. "These are his friends," Max gestured to Ron and Hermione, "and these are not his friends so don't talk to them," Max glared at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle again. Westley and Buttercup followed suit. The boys looked crushed when they saw Buttercup frown at them.

"Now tell the children your idea, Westley." Valerie smiled and clapped her hands.

Westley grinned at the group. Hermione made a strange noise. "We were so excited you were coming because we need your help with something. I know that you came to spend time with Max and Valerie but let me bounce this idea off you and you can do with it what you'd like." Westley paused, seeing that Hermione's elbow was still in pudding. He raised an eyebrow and continued. "Now I don't know if Max told you but I used to be a pirate. Actually, I was the Dread Pirate Roberts to be precise."

Hermione gasped. "You weren't!"

"I was. You've heard of me then?" Westley winked. Hermione melted. She had a thing for pirates.

"Of course! The Dread Pirate Roberts... I mean... you..." she giggled suddenly causing Ron to tear his eyes away from Buttercup and look at her oddly, "... you are the most feared pirate in history. He... you (giggle) sail the Florin Channel and attack any ship to try to sail across it. You are not actually the original Roberts. You are just one of his predecessors to take on the name and along with the name, take on the reputation."

Ron was still staring at Hermione, puzzled. "How do you know about that? I can see how you know everything about Hogwarts but you've never even been to Florin!"

"I can read Ron," she answered irritably. She flashed a smile at Westley.

"Yes, you are very right. Once I was married, I wanted to spend every second with my Buttercup and so I turned the ship over to a good friend named Jack Sparrow. He's been in the piracy business for years and really looks the part. Jack, however, tired quickly of being Roberts. The business has really changed and he needed something new in his life. So he went into the cruise line business. It actually will bring in over twice as much as piracy did, doesn't it darling?"

Buttercup nodded intelligently. "Yes, it does."

"You are so smart, my sweet. Anyway, that is where you kids come in. You see, Jack has been readying his Savvy Cruise Line for almost eight months now and he's feels it is almost ready for guests. But he needs some honest people to come and give it a trial run. So what do you say? Free cruise? We'd leave tomorrow at noon..."

"Are you two going?" Harry asked the question nearly everyone was thinking.

"Yes, it is out one year wedding anniversary next Tuesday so we're going to celebrate. Jack has invited our friends Will and Elizabeth along as well for their anniversary."

Buttercup broke in. "We both have anniversaries," she stated confidently. She turned to look at Westley, suddenly unsure. "Right?"

"Brilliant, my cupcake. Brilliant." He looked again to Harry for an answer. Harry looked at Max and Valerie, who nodded vigorously. He smiled and then slowly nodded as well. They were going on a cruise!


	3. 3

Harry and his friends were still in shock as they started up towards the east wing of the house, which Max and Valerie had given entirely to them. Malfoy and his cronies were given the dog house out in the back yard. They had to share with the dog, Pookie, who was even bigger than Hagrid's dog, Fang, and not nearly as gentle.

"Can you believe this day? I mean, you get to meet your family, we eat chocolate for dinner, we are in this amazing house, we have a wing to ourselves, Draco is sleeping in a dog house, and I met the man of my dreams!" Hermione was still listless thinking about Westley.

"Yeah too bad he's married.... to her," Ron said, equally addlepated as he envisioned Buttercup.

Hermione frowned. "She isn't very bright, is she?"

"Yeah well he's a pirate!"

"I find that rather attractive actually."

"You just like him because his eyes are the color of the sea after a storm."

"That isn't true! Besides, you only like her because her skin is like wintry cream."

"You must be blind not to see how gorgeous she is!"

"Well, she makes up for it with her lack of wit!"

"Right, and he is a bloody genius... sure."

"His manner of speaking is well expressed, yes!"

"Stop fighting you two, now. Ron, your room is to the right. Hermione, yours is to the left. Mine is straight ahead." All three took of running.

Harry's room was the size of the Dursely's entire second floor. An enormous bed stood in the middle and was covered in huge pillows. He immediately did a belly-flop right in the middle of the pile and sighed. To his left was an enormous television and to his right was a plate of chocolate cookies and chocolate milk with a note from Valerie. "A midnight snack for my favorite great-grandson. Be a nice boy and share." He grinned and quickly changed into pajamas, then ran next door to Ron's room.

Ron was laughing hysterically as he sat on his bed. Harry finally realized why. Ron's bed was a waterbed and no doubt Ron had never experienced anything like it. "This... is... the coolest day... of... my... life," Ron yelled as he tried to escape the waves of his bed. They both ran over to Hermione's room. When they walked in, their jaws dropped. Hermione was singing at the top of her voice while twisting about in her curtains.

"When the dog bites, when the bees sting, when I'm feeling saaaaaaad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feeeeeeeel soooooo baaaaaaad!"

She finally realized that she had an audience and blushed deeply. "I've always wanted to do that," she admitted bashfully. They were suddenly distracted by some barking outside Hermione's window. Hermione struggled to get untangled from the curtains and Ron and Harry ran to see what the noise was about. Pookie had Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle hiding in the corner of the yard, hugging each other tightly as they whimpered. Pookie growled angrily anytime any of them moved.

"They're in for a fun-filled evening, aren't they?" They all exploded into a fit of laughter and didn't stop until they were all on the floor, clutching their sides. The three of them then went back to Harry's room to eat their snack and watch some TV. The only thing on was some odd movie about a man who fights a swordsman, a giant, a small man, and a prince to save his beautiful girlfriend.

(Quick Author Notes: Thank you so much for all the reviews! These are my three favorite stories as well! Several wondered why Buttercup is portrayed as kind of a ditz. If you read the book, that is how her character is and I think it is hilarious. Suggestions/ requests for future character appearances are welcome! I can take this story anywhere! It is dang fun too write too!)


	4. 4

The next morning, everyone met downstairs for breakfast. That morning's meal consisted of chocolate chip pancakes, strawberry crepes smothered in chocolate sauce, hot chocolate, and bacon. "We've got to give you something normal or your parents will kill us," Valerie explained as she loaded the greasy bacon on each plate. But no one was complaining. It was delicious. Even Malfoy kept his rude comments to himself.

The three Slytherin boys looked awful. Pookie hadn't let them back in her house so they slept in the mud. They all had big bags under their blood shot eyes and their clothes were filthy. They ate ravenously and between bites would try to brush the grass and dirt clumps out of their hair. Because the author in charge of writing this story is not a huge fan of these three, they had accidentally forgotten their bags back at Hermione's and had no change of clothes. Now, Valerie and Max were not mean people so after breakfast, Valerie took them upstairs, gave them some of Max's old robes to wear, showed them how to work the washer and dryer, and let them each take a shower.

When they walked down the stairs, it took everything Harry had to suppress a loud laugh. Draco looked even more miserable that before. He was dressed in the shabbiest robes Harry had ever seen. Max was a small man so his robes were far too small for Crabbe and Goyle's corpulent frames so the material stretched tight across their big bellies and barely reached their knees. The funniest part of it all was when they went to get their laundry out of the dryer, a scream was heard throughout the house. Despite Valerie's attempt to instruct them, they had all ignored the part about washing Malfoy's red sweater separate from the white shirts. They had also ignored the part about not drying the sweater in the dryer. So, the boys were stuck wearing very pink shirts, very pink tinted pants, and very pink socks. Malfoy's sweater had shrunk so much that Valerie gave it to a delighted house elf.

It came time for everyone to get going. Harry gave his great-grandparents one more hug goodbye and then started down the road towards the Florin Channel with his friends and the Pink Brigade.

"Bye bye boys!... And girl!" Valerie waved from the door.

"Have fun storming the pirate boat!" Max called. Everyone looked curiously at Harry who shrugged.

The boat was docked only about a mile away from Max and Valerie's house. It had a very foreboding look with it's black sails in pirate flag. Max had told the group that Jack Sparrow had his own ship called the Black Pearl that he was very attached to so he had sold Westley's old ship on E-Bay for some extra cash. Apparently it was bought for quite a bit by some lovesick crazed teeny-bopper who was completely in love with Westley.

"Look!" Hermione gasped. "A group has gathered to see us off!" In the distance, Harry saw a huge gathering of people. He could hear faint yells and screams of joy coming from this large group. Ron grinned, excitement evident on his freckled face. He always loved attention. As they got closer, a chant was started, though the words couldn't be heard clearly. Flashes from cameras could be seen. Draco looked suddenly very annoyed with his pink clothes. He didn't want his outfit to appear in pictures. The group was about fifty yards away when Harry finally understood what was being said in the chant.

"We want Westly! We want Will! We want Jack! We want Westly! We want Will! We want Jack!"

Harry's eyes widened in horror as he realized that this group hadn't gathered to wish a farewell to the travelers. It was made up solely of teenage girls between the ages of thirteen and seventeen, most of which were sobbing loudly or holding up signs that read things like "I Love You Will!" and "As You Wish Westley!" and "Jack- You can steal my booty anytime!" and "U R 2 HOT 2 B 4-GOT-N" and "Die Elizabeth and Buttercup!" Harry grabbed Ron and Hermione's arms and rushed though the crowd of screaming girls to try to get on the boat. Once onboard, Harry saw the crew hiding from the crowd in various places all over the boat. One crew member, a skinny Spaniard, shoved a finger to his lips in a motion to be quite. He looked extremely frightened. Harry shoved his friends down and tried to remain as still as possible.

Draco, however, made no such effort. He straightened his pink clothes and sauntered through the crowd, greeting the girls. His attempts were rather humorous to watch. He would throw out a cheesy pick-up line and offer a wink or two. The girls completely ignored him. Well, they ignored him until Malfoy came up with the winning idea to tell a group of Westley lovers that he was a personal acquaintance. Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched, terrified, as Draco was tackled by girls wanting to simply touch his hand or foot or whatever. He tried to yell for help from Crabbe and Goyle (who looked at the girls as if they had never seen one before) but something very unfortunate happened. A black stretch limousine pulled up.

In an instant, the girls were off of Draco and stampeding towards Crabbe and Goyle, who stood between them and the car. In mere milliseconds, the limo was covered with screaming girls, Crabbe and Goyle lay stunned and trampled on the ground, and Draco tenderly rubbed the fingernail scratches all over his arms and face where the girls had clawed at him. The three of them bolted onto the ship, shaking with terror. The limo took off down the road with girls holding on for dear life. The few that were left behind raced after it at a surprisingly swift pace, bawling with joy.

No one spoke. Everyone stared at the huge cloud of dust the girls had left behind. Moments after the limo was out of sight, another car pulled up. Five people literally jumped out and sprinted towards the boat. Harry saw that it was Westley and Buttercup along with another good looking couple and a very interesting man who ran as if he was drunk.

As they all tried to catch their breath, Westley straightened, speaking between his panting. "Harry, Ron (pant) Hermione, (gasp) and... you other kids... (gulp) this is Will and (gasp) Elizabeth Turner (breathe) and Captain Jack (sigh) Sparrow."


	5. 5

The ship left port very quickly, most likely to avoid another mass of crazed fans.

"That was an odd trick," Harry said to Westley. "Using a decoy limo... that is brilliant really."

Westley shrugged. "It is a necessity. Last time that happened, those girls attacked Buttercup and Elizabeth. It got dangerous after awhile."

Crew members dressed in very convincing pirate apparel took the new guests' luggage to their swashbuckling themed staterooms. Jack made a dramatic gesture with his arm, motioning for the group to follow him. They headed into a large room with a big sign on the door that read "Captain's Quarters." Everyone took a seat on one of the comfortable chairs and waited for Jack to begin what looked to be a very practiced and very promising speech by the way he stood, commanding their attention.

He waited until the room was entirely quiet and then for a dramatic effect, waited even longer. He finally spoke in a deep and haunted voice. "Welcome to the Black Pearl."

He then walked out of the room.

Everyone stared at the door, surprised. About a minute later, he poked his head into the room while a huge grin, which quickly faded as he surveyed the puzzled faces.

"Not long enough?" he asked, bringing the rest of his body into the room. He looked positively crestfallen. Hermione finally spoke up.

"It was really.... dramatic," she said, choosing her words carefully. "But I think you should keep going with that. For example..." Hermione stood and walked to the center of the room. She raised her eyebrows at Jack who suddenly caught her drift and took her seat, watching attentively.

"You've got to really scare them but excite them at the same time. Observe." Hermione turned her back to them for a moment. When she turned back around, audible gasps escaped some mouths. Her eyes were filled with foreboding suspense and hew face was twisted into an evil grin. When she spoke, her voice came out as a cackle.

"You've been taken captive by the most feared men ever to sail the seven seas. Ye might as well make yerselves comfortable ye scurvy dogs for yer lives now belong to this crew. Here there be evil so devilish and so terrifying that few escape alive. Here there be anger so deep and so hateful that hardly any break loose without their hearts turning as black as coal. Here there be torture so great and so impossibly cruel that none make it out without having gone mad. Here... there be pirates." Hermione glared at each person so savagely that no one met her gaze for more than a few seconds. Her face held in it's grotesque form for a few moments before it returned to normal. "Like that!" she said cheerfully.

Everyone looked mortified, including Jack Sparrow. He finally rose slowly to his feet, wiped his eyes, and raised his trembling hands, clapping them together. The applause was slow at first but in a moment everyone was on their feet in thunderous applause. Hermione curtsied slightly, her face reddening. She took her seat back and let Jack have the floor.

"That was genius," he told her as she passed. He turned to face the group again. "Thanks very much for coming to give my Savvy Cruise Line a trial run. Like Westley said, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow and I'm in charge here. I expect you all to be as honest as Miss Granger and give me any suggestions you think up. Any questions?"

"Are you drunk?" Draco spoke up.

Jack looked at Draco as though he were a pesky fly and the ignored his question completely.

"Why did you decide to take on a Cruise Line?" Ron asked.

Will answered this one. "It's quite simple really. Everyone seems to take something called 'flights' nowadays and no one sails anymore. Piracy just isn' what it used to be."

"No kidding it isn't," Jack answered bitterly. "They call a bunch of pimple-faced kids playing with their computy music load-downing things 'pirates' now. You know how bad that makes me look?"

"They're called 'computers' and those kids download music illegally," Hermione explained.

"Well, whatever they are. Sea-faring pirates are a dying breed. I tried to take my trade into the airline business and start airline piracy but airport security being what it is..." Jack trailed off as those around him nodded empathetically. .

"The Pearl looks great Jack, I really like what you've done with the place. Did you decorate yourself?" Will was fingering the wall hangings.

"No, Ann Marie came in an did it for me. She's brilliant, honestly."

Westley chimed in. "I'm so jealous. I was too busy ordering a crew around to really do what I'd wanted with _Revenge_. She was always somewhat of a mess I'm afraid. I had marvelous ideas though, especially for the sails. I thought a deep burgundy would be a nice change, don't you?"

"I actually stuck with the black for the mysery. It gives off a rather dangerous feel, doesn't it? However burgundy would have looked nice on _Revenge_. I was thinking of sprucing her up a tad with some nice leather tassels before I sold her. I also wanted to paint her a rich red color...." The three men were suddenly aware that they were being watched. Everyone looked rather confused. Jack cleared his throat. "Ehem. Well, what I mean to say is I wanted to paint it ... um... blood red... with blood of men I've killed of course, you know. I'm.... I'm a pirate after all."

Elizabeth shook her head and shot an odd look at her husband. She turned back to Jack, whose face was still a little red. "So what entertainment do you have planned for your cruises?" Elizabeth asked.

"Lizzie, darling, you'll love it. But hang on, wait 'till tonight and you'll see what I've got planned. Now, Westley, I want you to meet two men I've hired." Jack went and knocked soundly on the closed door. The door opened revealing two men. One was around seven-and-a-half feet tall. The second was the Spaniard Harry had seen earlier on the boat. Westley's face split into a smile and in a few strides, he was to the men, hugging them tightly. Buttercup allowed them to kiss her perfect hand.

"Hello lady!" the giant cried as he beamed down at Buttercup. He saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione who had risen out of their chairs. "Oh look Inigo! Little people!"

"Church and steeple," the Spaniard answered, causing the giant to joyously clap his hands.

"Kids, meet Inigo Montoya and Fezzik– two very good friends of ours." Westley turned back to the odd pair. "These are our new young friends. You remember Max and Valerie? Well this is their great-grandson Harry and his friends Ron and Hermione... oh and some other kids who torture him so don't say hi to them."

Draco stepped behind Crabbe's huge body. "Crap, now the giant hates us too."

"These kids are real honest-to-goodness bonafide wizards, my friends." Again, Westley turned back to Harry. "Inigo is a Wizard in his own right. A Wizard with the sword. He is _the_ best swordsman known in the world at this point in time. And Fezzik here... it's rather obvious why he's special. A giant of a man with a giant heart to go with." There was a series of "aww"s from those watching.

Inigo spoke to Westley and his wife. "We have not seen you for so long. We were excited when Jack said he was having you come along."

Fezzik leaned down and whispered to Westley. "We like Jack. He is like Vicinni. He knows what to do. Plus I get to think and rhyme all I want. And we don't have to kill anyone... just pretend."

"Pardon me, Mr. Fezzik," Hermione said timidly.

Fezzik laughed loudly. "I'm not Mr. Fezzik. Just Fezzik."

"All right... Fezzik... I have a question. Are you at all related to a man named Hagrid?"

Fezzik scratched his head. "I don't think so."

Hermione shrugged. Jack took this moment to excuse everyone to their staterooms. As they all filed out, he told Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle to stay for a moment. Ron practically skipped across the deck. He could hardly believe he was actually on a cruise. "Wait until my brothers hear about this!" he cried.

"This is actually very nicely done," Hermione said as they passed room after beautiful room. Harry and Ron were sharing a stateroom and Hermione had one to herself next door. Once everyone was unpacked, they met out in the hallway. Draco and his two cronies shuffled up.

"What'd he say to you Malfoy?" Harry asked with a glare. Draco mumbled something in reply. "What was that Malfoy? Didn't quite hear you..."

"He said he only offered the free cruise to friends."

"What does that mean?" Ron wondered, hooting at the folded towel parrot in his room.

"It means they have three choices." Jack walked up to the group, his gold teeth glinting in the light. "One- we turn this ship around, drop them back off at the dock, two- they stay on the ship and work as cabin boys, or three- they are exceptionally nice to us all. If they decide against those options, we'll throw 'em in a paddle boat and wish 'em the best of luck. These waters are infested with sharks and eels so we don't know how far they'd get."

"We'll stay..." Draco muttered, "And be nice..."

"Hold on!" Hermione giggled. "You'd rather be nice to us than go back to Max's for the week?"

"Well..." Draco looked at Crabbe and Goyle who nodded. "We aren't going to be mopping up any poop deck and... those girls might still be waiting at the dock. I don't want to get attacked again," Draco muttered.


End file.
